Hogwarts Idle
by ChairLegOfTruth
Summary: It's the beginning of term and Dumbledore stumbles upon an inspired i.e. terrible idea, a Hogwarts Singing Contest via American Idol! How will the sudents and staff survive the horror of Hogwarts Idol? Read And Review!
1. Chapter 1: Prologue

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter but I am working on some plans to get it, many of which involve a time machine and an army of flying monkeys.

A/N: Hey all, this is just the prologue to a story that my muse Snape demanded me to write.

Snape: Yes I did.

Me: I have no willpower against him. Sigh

Snape: Muahahaha!

Anyway, enjoy!

Prologue:

Dumbledore sat in his office on the day before start-of-term as he pondered the coming year. The mood would quite possibly be dismal, Voldemort's return wouldn't exactly bring peace on earth and good will towards men. As he discussed ways to lighten the school's atmosphere with one of his spindly silver machines, an idea came to him.

"Aha!" he cried as glee filled his face. He conjured quill and parchment with a flick of his wrist and began working out the details of his plan.

He was smiling mysteriously as he wrote.

Fawkes took one look at him and began to moult.


	2. Do I really Have To?

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters therein...yet.

A/N: Second Chappie! I am extatic! Thank you Snape Muse for inspiring me to greatness!

Snape: yes, well. blushes

Me: Aw, don't be so shy baby, without you I wouldn't be so amazingly fabulous!

Snape: Oh dear, she's got a swelled head, Quick Phantom, call the doctor!

Me: but I don't need a..men in white coats take me away

Me: Enjoy!

Chapter 2: Do I really have to!

The students milled about in their common rooms, after the sorting and feast. Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny walked in and noticed the huge knot of students gathered by the bulletin board. They tried to get closer but the sheer number of students made it impossible.

"Hey Ginny, go in and tell us what the fuss is about!" Ron badgered his sister.

She harrumphed and then agreed as she dove in to Ron's instructions to "Elbow and shove people, but do whatever it takes to get the scoop!"

She gave him the finger behind her back.

She returned fifteen minutes later, as pale as her freckled face possibly could be.

"What? What is it?" Hermione asked worried about her friend.

"What's going on?" Harry asked with obvious dread in his voice.

Ginny turned slowly to look him in the eye.

"He's going to MAKE us sing." her voice held a tremor and her eyes were huge with fright.

"WHAT!" Harry, Ron and Hermione screamed in unison.

Snape ran towards the school with as much speed as he could muster, which was quite a lot actually.

He had been having a pre-term drink at the Hogs Head when he spotted the colorful sign with the Hogwarts seal emblazoned at the top.

Curious he drew closer and scanned the notice. He barely registered what it said but as a few choice phrases sunk in, his eyes grew wide and he read it slowly and carefully once more.

His face betrayed the panic he felt as he yelled at the bartender to put his untouched drink on the Hogwarts tab and he flew out the door, towards the castle, flyer in hand.

He only hoped he'd get there in time.

Dumbledore looked up with no surprise on his face as Severus Snape, bat of the school dungeons, ran into his office with sheer terror written all over his face.

Why, hello Severus, what a pleasant surprise! Lemon Drop?" He gestured to a chair and then to the large bowl of candy on his desk.

Snape remained standing as he asked in a soft but deadly voice "What were you thinking Albus?"

"Why whatever do you mean, Severus?" came the reply of the headmaster, as his eyes twinkled furiously.

"YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHAT I MEAN!" Bellowed Snape, finally losing his cool and throwing the gaudy flyer onto the headmaster's desk.

The flyer read:

"_In the style of American Idol and Pop Idol, **Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry** humbly brings you:_

_**HOGWARTS IDOL!**_

_The once in a lifetime opportunity to see some of the most promising young minds of our time battle it out for the honor and prestige of the title **HOGWARTS IDOL**!_

_The contest will run throughout the upcoming school year and everyone who wishes to participate will be included, this contest is **confined** to **students still at the Hogwarts**._

_The **staff, prefects and Head Boy and Girl**, must perform one song, separately, or with a group. They are REQUIRED to perform at least once and if they move on to the next stage, they MUST perform._

_So are you ready for the **only** chance to see this incredible event?_

_If so, come to the school on **FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 23rd** promptly at **7:30** for the TIME OF YOUR LIFE!_

_All audience members will be asked to give a small donation to the school fund on entering the school."_

"Is something wrong with the flyer? Is it not flashy enough?" Dumbledore asked, worry etched on his face that did not reach his ever-twinkling eyes.

"Not flashy enough?" Snape sneered down at the flyer, which was changing its neon color every two seconds or so, while the letters remained glittering, flashy, gold.

"I suppose I should have been less modest with the design." sighed Dumbledore.

"You are trying to get me off track, and it won't work! What possessed you to suggest something like this without telling anyone?"

"Why Severus, I'm surprised at you! I thought you would see the logic in this little endeavor!" Dumbledore managed to pull off looking scandalized and desperately amused at the same time.

Snape slumped into a chintz armchair and began to pinch the bridge of his nose, "And what logic would that be, Headmaster?"

"Simply that it would provide a good distraction from the rise of Voldemort. I realized there would be panic and chaos in the streets, at the rise of the long-thought-dead Dark Lord and that this would provide a chance for people to be interested in something other than "Who died last night?" and "Who would die tomorrow?" Is that not logical enough?"

Snape glared one last time at the infuriatingly wise man in front of his and accepted his defeat.

He rose to leave, but stopped and asked one more question.

"Do I really have to sing?"


	3. Ricky Martin EVIL

Hey There Numerous fans of mine! Okay, Few who found this story and are reading it to find out how bad I can write.

Anywho, here's chapter 3 hope it's not too dull!

Snape: How can it be bad? I'm your inspiration right? So it must be good!

Me: Am I gonna have to deflate your head again?

Snape: No! Anything but the pin!

Me: Fine well you just shrink that planet sized ego of yours, okay?

Snape: Grumble Fine...

Chapter 3 : O GOD THE MONKEYYYSSS! (or Ricky Martin Evil)

Dumbledore sighed; the alarm in his office was humming gently at the waves of hysteria and distress that covered his school. Harry, Ron and Hermione were already rushing up to his office under Harry's invisibility cloak.

"Do you think he's been replaced with an evil Dumbledore robot, hell bent on strangling us with a microphone cord?"

"Ron, where in _bloody_ hell do you get these ideas?" Hermione asked in desperation.

"Hold on Herms, I think he may have something there!" Harry commented seriously.

"Oh my gods, we have to hurry!" Hermione started to sprint away from her two now crazy friends.

A few moments later, she ran smack dab into Professor Severus Snape.

He looked down as she fell to the floor, hard, "I suppose this midnight romp is in honor of the headmaster's evil plan?" he asked with mingled disgust and contempt.

"Yes sir, we were trying to get to professor Dumbledore, to stop this madness!" Hermione helped herself up off the ground as Harry and Ron came panting into the corridor.

He looked at the trio with was passed for surprise on his emotionless features.

"What, you're not overjoyed at the idea of showing off in front of the whole wizarding world?"

At that moment Harry began to look queasy, Ron began to violently gag and Hermione's face gave an involuntary twitch. They all replied in unison, "No!" and continued running to the headmaster's office, Snape decided to follow. He surmised that it would be extremely amusing to see their reactions to a normal, resolute Dumbledore. Maybe Weasley or Potter would be sick and Granger would have a fit!

As the trio entered the office (Hermione bribed the gargoyle with some fine granite) Dumbledore looked up from his desk and the paintings waved hello.

"Ah my three favorite students!" he frowned "Don't tell the others I said that."

"Headmaster, we really ought to talk…"

"**YOU CAN'T DO THIS DAMMIT!"**

"I won't do it! I'll hold my breath if you try and make me!" Ron then proceeded to look like a frightened puffer fish.

Snape had a very rare smile on his sallow face.

"Why whatever is the matter children?"

Harry looked at the same time crazed and incredulous (which is quite hard and makes you look like Voldemort after Mexican night).

"What's the matter? **What's the matter? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE MATTER IS!"**

"Harry, sit down and shut up!" Hermione shoved Harry forcibly into an armchair and chucked a lemon drop into his open mouth.

Snape was shocked at Hermione's behavior; she was usually very mild-mannered in class. Dumbledore only smiled and Ron stopped holding his breath, Hermione in one of her moods usually went after him next.

"Now, headmaster, we really should talk about this horrendous idea of yours." Hermione smoothed her bristling hair down and seated herself next to the now silent Harry.

"How did you find out about my flying cow theory my dear?"

"No, sir, the singing contest idea, that's even more horrid than flying cows." Ron shuddered.

"Why, I think it's a splendid idea, as does Severus."

The three students turned to look at their much-feared potions master.

"I said no such thing, headmaster." growled Snape.

"No? I suppose I was just my whimsy then." Dumbledore passed the bowl of lemon drops around again and Hermione shoved another one into Harry's mouth, who was looking like he was going to talk again.

"Alright back on topic, this singing contest idea of yours is ludicrous! You can't seriously think anyone will willingly join into this endeavor!"

"No, of course not! People are much too modest for that, that's why I made it mandatory!"

There was a collective groan, for everyone in the room except Dumbledore. Hermione conjured up a large bottle of ibuprofen and downed two.

"Sir, this plan will cause dissent! People have gone over to Voldemort for much less than this. You may unwittingly cause his ranks to grow with young people resentful of you making them sing!"

"My dear, I believe the excitement has caused you to be uncharacteristically irrational, here let me help." Dumbledore cast a charm and Hermione's head glowed green for a few seconds before she breathed deeply and looked up at the headmaster.

"Thank you sir, that was very helpful. I suppose there's no way we can dissuade you from this plan?"

"No my heart is quite set on this I'm afraid." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled like a star on crack.

"Alright then, sir, we'll leave you to your work. Goodnight." Hermione got up and gave the boys a specific look before heading out the door.

The boys were too stunned with horror to notice said look, so Hermione and Snape were forced to grab them and haul them down the staircase.

"Hermione! Why'd you give up so easily? We can't allow this to happen!"

"What's wrong with you Hermione? Have you turned to the dark side! Why must you lie to me!"

"Harry! Calm-the-HELL Down! You obviously failed to notice that he was perfectly sane and in no way stopping his plan. The only logical source of action is to get this over and done with!"

At this, Harry grabbed Ron and they both slumped dejectedly towards Gryffindor tower.

"Are they always that imbecilic?" Snape asked, speaking for the first time since the beginning of the discussion.

"Yes, unfortunately." Hermione began to rub her temples, but stopped and looked up at the man towering over her.

"Sir, I'm curious, do you know any muggle music?"

"No, happily not. Which provides a problem; I have no idea what to sing."

"I could help you find something suitably venomous and hate-filled?"

"That would be very useful, but if it ever got out that a Gryffindor know-it-all like you was helping me sing, I would have to cut your tongue out, of course."

Hermione only smiled, "Of course, Sir."

"So, what Muggle Music do you know?…."

The general dismay at the turn of events slowly turned to curiosity and then to excitement over the next few days.

Meanwhile, in Gryffindor tower and the Potions Master's Dungeons, many were preparing for their turn at the mike.

"Harry?"

"Yeah, Ron?"

"What do I sing? I don't know any Muggle music."

"Why does it have to be Muggle music? The wizarding world has music you can sing to right?"

"Not really, our music is more instrumental than lyrical. Not very good either. The Weird Sisters are more twenty years ago, than recent."

"Oh, okay. Well, I can help you to find a song, we could get permission from Dumbledore to go into muggle London and find a few good ones!"

Just then, the voice of Professor McGonagall came wafting through Gryffindor tower.

"Attention Gryffindor house! As of tomorrow, the library will be holding an extensive collection of Muggle music from the last 50 years. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT push or shove other students, there's plenty of songs to go around. Curfew at seven-thirty, Goodnight all!"

"Well that solves that problem eh?"

"I suppose, but won't all the good songs be taken before dawn?"

"We'll just have to get there before anyone else, right? We'll go tonight after midnight, with Hermione to pick ours out."

"I'm sorry guys I can't come with you!"

"Why in bloody hell not?"

"Because I have to pick out Snape's song for him and then pick mine!"

"I suppose he could come with us, it would make it easier to have a teacher with us, right?"

"Ron are you off you knocker?" Harry was again with the crazed and incredulous look.

"No but, it would make sense, wouldn't it?"

"Ron! I'm so proud of you! You actually took my side for once!" Hermione grabbed Ron and started to squeeze the life out of him.

"Fine he can come, but don't tell him we're all going, otherwise he'll never agree."

"Righto!" and Hermione skipped off to speak to Snape.

(A/N: see if you can find the mistake in this line! I'll award you with your very own singing Snape plushy!)

"But, Sir! If we don't go tonight all the suitable songs will be taken!"

"And why is that, Miss Granger?"

"Teenagers love to sing songs about pain, hate and anger they don't feel, if we don't get their first, all the ones you could sing will be gone!"

"What's the alternative to tonight's little outing?"

"You could be singing this; it's called 'Livin' La Vida Loca' by Enrique Iglesias, listen." Hermione started to play it on her disc-man handing the headphones to her Professor.

Two minutes later;

"Can you please slow down? I'm getting a stitch in my side!" Hermione cried at the receding figure of Severus Snape, who was rushing towards the library as if Voldemort himself were after him.

"No, keep up you silly girl, we must find a song!"

"Oy, What have I done?" Hermione grumbled as she leaned up against the castle wall.


End file.
